Texts from my Invisible Boyfriend
Daily Shouts in The New Yorker
“A new service launched Tuesday called Invisible Boyfriend (or Invisible Girlfriend). For a monthly fee of $24.99, the online beta platform allows users to select a partner’s photo, name, interests and a story about how you two met. Then, over the course of the next four weeks, the fake boyfriend or girlfriend will send 100 text messages, 10 voicemails and one postcard. . . . Invisible Boyfriend and Invisible Girlfriend use real humans, not robots, to send the text messages.” —USA Today.
“Hey Caitlin! This is Ryan How are you?”
“Why the tears, beautiful?”
“When it’s a good conversation like yours, I’ll text back more quickly!”
—Sample Invisible Boyfriend texts, Washington Post.
Good morning, gorgeous!
You’re so beautiful when you’re sleeping.
Hope my text message didn’t wake you up!
I know how mad that beep makes you, and rightfully so.
Are you mad at me?
Maybe that spotless kitchen will put me back in your good books!
(The person who cooks should also do the dishes. I’m so thankful you taught me that.)
Would have vacuumed, too, but didn’t want to disturb you.
Your face! It’s like an angel’s!
I’m not biased. You’re the most beautiful woman on the planet.
Can’t stop thinking of you.
Of you, always.
It’s hard to focus in this executive meeting knowing you’re awake now.
Stumbling around in your flannel pajamas.
You drank a lot of wine last night, but I don’t judge.
I probably drove you to it. I’m sorry.
And your snores were so sweet!
This meeting won’t end! BTW, you’re right, my job’s so weird and boring.
Who’s on “The View” today?
I hope you love it, and that Whoopi’s not bugging you so much anymore.
She is just jealous of you.
All women are, especially your friends.
I can’t wait to hear all the details.
Twice even! I could listen to you tell the same story a thousand times.
Thought I’d shop on the way and make dinner? Then you won’t have to go outside at all.
I know how much you hate the cold and also hat hair.
Your hair is luscious like Kate Middleton’s, BTW.
Every time I see one in my sink, I love you more.
Don’t clean that sink, OK?
It’s my turn.
Don’t go to the gym either! You’ve been looking so skinny lately.
. . .scaaaary skinny.
Can I make you a baked Brie?
It turns me on to watch you eat cheese
Tonight, how about I rub your belly while you watch “Dawson’s Creek”?
I’m sorry I said “belly.” You are so thin.
I owe you a present now!
Something sparkly and expensive that you’ll never wear but still want.
I love you so much. More than when I started this text chain even.
Way more than every other girl I’ve ever known.
They are all bitches. Everybody thinks so.
Why don’t you nap up today and I’ll take you out tonight?
Anywhere you wanna go!
I’ll totes Instagram you holding a martini.
I’ll say #nofilter, but then filter you anyway.
Not that you need it! You’re so gorge.
Wanna go see “Wild” and hold hands? The whole time.
You can hate it and I’ll agree: all movies suck now.
You could write a way better movie! You’re just too busy.
You do so much, for so many.
I will try harder, I promise
Can’t wait to see you!
Um, who is this?